I'm having a midlife crisis

I know that at 32 years old, I'm hopefully not actually at midlife, but I'm struggling just the same. That's part of why I haven't posted in awhile. It's almost as if all the sudden I realized that this is not the life I had planned for. It's not a bad life, just not the one I had planned for. I just remember myself as a 20 year old, happily engaged, college student looking out at the future. I was young, hot, smart, and ready to go. I was working on my degree in Sociology/Psychology because I loved it, and also because I planned to go on and get my masters in marketing and go to work for some super ad agency (shout out to DDB here). However, I followed my heart instead of my head and married the man that made my world go around. That's the best thing about today - he still makes my world go around, which is the only thing that convices me I didn't mess it all up.

But at 32 with a BA that's not being used in my job at my father's technical support services company, a flabby baby-having body, and 3 boys in tow, I can't hardly imagine that I was once attractive and smart. I am feeling like a failure in almost every aspect of my life. I work part-time which means I mother and housewife part time too. I haven't had a decent, fullfilling project at work in quite some time, my house is in a constant state of chaos (my boys are 7, 5, and 4), my husband is absolutely devoted to but no longer ravished by me. It's a little depressing.

I now understand how it can be terrifying for a woman to get older. My looks will never again compare to a 20 year olds, my thoughts center around who has to be where when rather than interesting culture or current events, and the thought of starting out in a new business feels ludicrous. It kind of reminds me of the very old John Cougar Mellencamp, (if you remember him as Johnny Cougar, you're at least as old as me), song Jack and Diane.

Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living
is gone

I'll try not to be so depressing next time,
Jacqui

Simplify

Over this past week I've been flipping through some home decor magazines, dreaming of my someday house, and I noticed something. There's a big trend to hang or paint words on the wall, and a big one is "Simplify". However, in these magazines this word hangs in houses of people who can't possibly even know the meaning of simplicity. They have 5000 sqaure foot homes for 4 people. They have "command centers" where they can operate any piece of electricial equipment from their living room. They have a computer built in to their refridgerator that is hooked to the internet so they can download recipes and send their grocery list to the cyber grocery. It's hard for me to imagine that people can afford all of that and be living a simple life.

I don't even think that I live a simple life and I've only got 1600 square feet for my family of 5. We have 1 television, 1 computer, and 1 telephone. My 3 children are currently involved in a total of 0 activites, and my DH and I both work part-time to keep them out of daycare. Our vehicles are all more than 10 years old and are either on the brink of or past the 150K mark. My children spend almost every day at home being told to use their imaginations and go find something to do. But it still doesn't feel simple.

I guess it's because any life that involves relationships with people you love can't possibly by simple. Every day we have to make choices we don't want to make, do chores we don't want to do, and love people who are acting unlovable. If simplifying and making life easier means getting rid of those people, I think I'll take the complex life today.