I'm having a midlife crisis

I know that at 32 years old, I'm hopefully not actually at midlife, but I'm struggling just the same. That's part of why I haven't posted in awhile. It's almost as if all the sudden I realized that this is not the life I had planned for. It's not a bad life, just not the one I had planned for. I just remember myself as a 20 year old, happily engaged, college student looking out at the future. I was young, hot, smart, and ready to go. I was working on my degree in Sociology/Psychology because I loved it, and also because I planned to go on and get my masters in marketing and go to work for some super ad agency (shout out to DDB here). However, I followed my heart instead of my head and married the man that made my world go around. That's the best thing about today - he still makes my world go around, which is the only thing that convices me I didn't mess it all up.

But at 32 with a BA that's not being used in my job at my father's technical support services company, a flabby baby-having body, and 3 boys in tow, I can't hardly imagine that I was once attractive and smart. I am feeling like a failure in almost every aspect of my life. I work part-time which means I mother and housewife part time too. I haven't had a decent, fullfilling project at work in quite some time, my house is in a constant state of chaos (my boys are 7, 5, and 4), my husband is absolutely devoted to but no longer ravished by me. It's a little depressing.

I now understand how it can be terrifying for a woman to get older. My looks will never again compare to a 20 year olds, my thoughts center around who has to be where when rather than interesting culture or current events, and the thought of starting out in a new business feels ludicrous. It kind of reminds me of the very old John Cougar Mellencamp, (if you remember him as Johnny Cougar, you're at least as old as me), song Jack and Diane.

Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living
is gone

I'll try not to be so depressing next time,
Jacqui